“That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet.”

So said Billy Shakespeare’s Juliet to Romeo. But, Julie Baby, many of us would disagree. I mean, would the Rose Bowl be nearly as cool if it were the old Poulan Weedeater Independence Bowl ? Or the GalleryFurniture.com Bowl that the Aggies once played in? Maybe the Ags each got a footstool in their swag bags for that one.

If a name doesn’t matter, why did Marion Morrison become John Wayne? Why is Reginald Dwight better known as Elton John? A girl named Norma Jean got a lot more mileage out of Marilyn, i’m pretty sure.

And Mark Twain is catchier than Samuel Clemens.

Some folks were just born to become famous. Elvis Presley, Clint Eastwood and Jean-Claude Van Damme come to mind. In the sporting world, it’s been hard to imagine roses such as Mickey Mantle, Yogi Berra, Johnny Unitas, Bronko Nagurski and Wilt Chamberlain by any other name.

This in mind, I started thinking about the cool names I read about as a kid, checking on bygone Longhorn football days. A menagerie of names such as Ox Emerson, Pig Dittmar and Rooster Andrews are out there in Bevo’s barnyard corral.

I thought I’d comb my brain and the dusty rosters from the DKR era onward. Naturally, “what’s in a name” is pretty subjective. Feel free to add your own favorites to this list. So sit back, relax and brush up on the rules learned from Shirley Ellis’s memorable “The Name Game.”

You know, “Chuck, Chuck, Bo-Buck, Banana Fana Fo..wait, wait. Yeah, we all tried it with that name.

But let’s do Darrell….

LONGHORNS ALL-NAME TEAM

For the quarterback position, we’re rocking with three kings. They’ll all play. We’ve got the best, most quintessential Texan first name ever for anybody in burnt orange, then we’re trumpeting a regal name for a national champion quarterback and saluting a high-ranking military name attached to a colorful, catchy surname.

When you’ve got a Colt, a Duke, and a Major, you’re gonna do a lot of winning.

Tight Ends and Wide Receivers

Two talented dudes with sensational names, Kerry Cash and Sandy Sands, ably handle the tight end work and the wide receiver pool is deep in cool monikers. Cotton Speyrer and Herkie Walls stood out on the gridiron as much as their names did at roll call.

Bill Boy Bryant sounds like a creation from Texas novelist Larry McMurtry. Triple-B was a productive pass-catcher at UT and posted an unmatched passing record on trick plays, hitting two of two for two touchdowns.

 

Nobody had more size than Sisemore, or talent, in his day (’70-’72). He is arguably the greatest ever at his position. Alongside him, Dr. Octavious Bishop and Antwan Kirk-Hughes were no doubt passengers who assisted Inspector Poirot in solving Murder On The Nile. And Travis Roach dead-roached plenty of defensive pests en route to three straight SWC titles. The wealth of talent at center is mouth-watering. Turk McDonald is a much-in-demand seasonal offering at Mickey D’s each November and pairs superbly with the elan of Alan Champagne, the state’s premier bubbly spirit, heartily recommended by the maitre’d.

#1 in Larry’s “What’s in a Name” Kickers and Punters 

The greatest name in UT roster history belongs to Happy Feller, the first Texas kicker to bomb field goals from beyond 50 yards. He was excellent during the 30-game win streak (’68-’70) that yielded two national championships, his PATs providing the difference in the 15-14 Big Shootout win against Arkansas in ’69.

And Billy “Sure” Schott always lived up to his name during a fine kicking career just after Happy became a Saint.

 

For utility, our Name Team roster offers what sounds like a pair of otolaryngologists in another bad Seth Rogen comedy.

Highly recruited West Texas ballers Booger Brooks https://texas-lsn.squarespace.com/booger-brooks-1979, and Sneezy Beltran https://texas-lsn.squarespace.com/sneezy-beltran-2001 both left UT with eligibility to spare. Beltran went back home to play for Abilene Christian. Brooks, out of Andrews, was a beyond colorful character custom made for “Friday Night Lights” TV and movie fame, just too early. Booger, a rough-and-tumbleweed running QB, went from playing for the Longhorns to actually wrestling steers. After his freshman year of ’78, he packed his gear to work as a welder and earned weekend paychecks as a rodeo bulldogger. You can’t make this stuff up.

If you didn’t already know Kiki DeAyala as clearly the best, most productive pass rusher in the UT record books, you’d think that name came from a boy band like New Kids On The Block or Menudo. I interviewed Kiki for the TLSN website at https://texas-lsn.squarespace.com/kiki-deayala .

With a name like Terry Steelhammer, you had to play football. And the genes carry on. Terry’s son was an All-America safety for Air Force.

Poona Ford isn’t a dealership on I-10 between Sonora and Fort Stockton. But the Big XII Defensive Lineman of the Year in 2017 can certainly have his own chain of dealerships in Seattle. He’s a mainstay with the Seahawks. Who says 310-pounders can’t be under six feet tall?

At linebacker, Roddrick Muckleroy sounds like a guy who could stir things up, and he did that well enough at the Forty Acres to play in the NFL.

Sherman Beowulf Lee was a rugged tackler at Texas, with parents who majored in creativity. You’ve got the last name of the South’s legendary general, the first name of the North’s general who torched the South, sandwiched around an ancient epic poem about a tough guy who fought Grendel and other monsters while putting many of us to sleep in British Lit.

The Secondary

Perhaps the deepest spot for kick-ass names is in the secondary. Hard to beat the half-brothers from Angleton, Quentin Jammer and Quandre Diggs, uber-tough Longhorns who made their way to the bigs. Quentin starred for the Chargers for a decade and the beat goes on for Quandre, now with the Seahawks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Longhorns have two weapons of choice on the team. Opposing teams have to deal with Hatchetts and Gunns.

Derrick Hatchett brought the wood, a weapon for his last name and an abundance of talent to Texas and the NFL. Lance Gunn has two weapons for names and was a rare, rare three-time (’90-’92) All-Conference player for UT, one of the best safeties ever. Gunn, All-America as a senior, is in the Longhorn Hall of Honor.

The nickel back on our All Name squad was the first player to start as a freshman for Coach Darrell Royal. There are bound to be thousands of guys across Texas who wear snap shirts and boots and answer to the patented Lone Star name of Joe Bob. But there was and is only one Joe Bob Bizzell. The pint-sized defender (5-8, 145) packed an outsized punch and was All-State three seasons at Odessa’s Permian High before wearing the burnt orange. He’s a member of the Texas High School Hall of Fame.

 

One thing about great names….like wave on wave, Father Time and taxes, they keep a’ comin’. If we were including names of players on the current Longhorn roster, there’s no way you could omit DeMarvion Overshown or T’Vondre Sweat. Always, always bet on Hudson Card and Kai Money. And you never know. Lots of schools are thinking a name like Arch Manning might have a ring. Maybe even a championship ring.  Kinda like, Vince, Vince, Bo Bince, Banana Fana Fo Fince…..

LONGHORN FOOTBALL ALL-NAME TEAM

QB

Major Applewhite (’01) Baton Rouge, LA (Catholic High Bears)

Emmet Augustus “Duke” Carlisle III (’63) Athens Hornets

Colt McCoy (’09) Tuscola (Jim Ned Indians)

RB

The Jones Boys

Johnny “Ham” Jones (’78) Hamlin Pied Pipers

Johnny “Lam” Jones (’79) Lampasas Badgers

AJ “Jam” Jones (’81) Youngstown, OH (North HS Bulldogs)

Foswhitt “Fozzy” Whittaker (’11) Pearland Oilers

FB

Rosey Leaks (’74) Brenham Cubs

O-Line

Jerry Sisemore (’72) Plainview Eagles

Turk McDonald (’92( DeSoto Eagles

Travis Roach (’72) Marlin Bulldogs

Alan Champagne (’88) Houston (Cypress Creek Cougars)

Dr. Octavious Bishop (’98) Spring (Westfield Mustangs)

Antwan Kirk-Hughes (’01) Waxahachie Indians

TE

Kerry Cash (’90) San Antonio (Holmes Huskies)

Sandy Sands (’63) New London (London Wildcats)

WR

Cotton Speyrer (’70) Port Arthur (Jefferson Yellow Jackets)

Herkie Walls (’82) Garland Owls

Bill Boy Bryant (’85) Dublin Lions

Cosmo Palmieri (’93) Austin (Westlake Chaps)

UTILITY

Booger Brooks (’78) Andrews Mustangs

Sneezy Beltran (’01) Abilene Eagles

SPECIALISTS

Placekicker

Happy Feller (’70) Fredericksburg Hill Billies

Billy “Sure” Schott (’74) Austin (Reagan Raiders)

Punter

Scooter Monzingo (’69) Del Rio Rams

Returns

Jitter Fields (’82) Dallas (Spruce High Mighty Fighting Apaches)

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DEFENSE

LINE

Kiki DeAyala (’82) Houston (Memorial Mustangs)

Doug English (’74) Dallas (Bryan Adams Cougars)

Poona Ford (’17) Hilton Head, SC (HHHS Seahawks)

Terry Steelhammer (’85) El Paso (Eastwood Troopers)

LINEBACKERS

Roddrick Muckleroy (’09) Hallsville Bobcats

Sherman Beowulf Lee (’75) Fort Worth (Southwest Raiders)
BACKS

Lance Gunn (’92) Galena Park (North Shore Mustangs)

Quentin Jammer (’01) Angleton Wildcats

Quandre Diggs (’14) Angleton Wildcats

Derrick Hatchett (’79) San Antonio (John Jay Mustangs)

Joe Bob “Buzzard” Bizzell Odessa (Permian Panthers)

DEPTH

Todd Ringo (’91) Amarillo Sandies

Nic Redwine (’08) Tyler (Lee Raiders)

D’Andre Christmas-Giles (’19) New Orleans (St Augustine Purple Knights)

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